I went to the councilor and she did a mental health assessment on me. After an hour of talking and writing down notes, she came to the conclusion that I have "reactive depression". Which means, my depression was triggered by certain events and we all know what those are. I don't have the kind of depression that comes with chemical imbalances or anything that will stick with me long-term but I do need medication to help get me back on my feet.

She's putting me on some sort of anti-depressant next week, unfortunately it will be the kind that takes four weeks to take effect but it's better than nothing. I won't need any more counseling except she's going to direct me to a support group that deals with relationship matters and such and she doesn't advise me to get into another relationship so soon because I'm still not over the troubles and effects of the last one.

That's about it so far, another update will come next week when I get my prescription of medication.

...And I've lost my pills. Or it could be that a recent visit by David is that he swiped them.

I don't know whether or not they're in this room still or he's taken them, I've looked everywhere so far and they're not turning up.

Sigh.

I have to wait until Wednesday now until I see the therapist and I'm going to have to deal with any probllems that may come up in my usual state of mind.

I went for my appointment. All he wanted to do was check up on me and see how the pills were doing. He gave me another perscription again for the same ones which should last me the 10 days until I go to the clinic.

Last night was horrible though, I was hearing voices from next door talking about me. I don't know if this was real or not, I'm only 50/50 sure because considering they went through the trouble of stealing from me as well as talking shit about me to their friends on the street. I wouldn't be all that surprised and we have thin walls between the houses. If I was hearing anything, the effects of the pills had amplified their sounds.

If it didn't happen, then fine - it'll be the pills. But if not, then well... I find that effin' creepy to hear someone talk so obsessively about a neighbour they don't even know well at all. If the same happens again tonight, I'll be sure to keep a clearer head and actually put my ear against the wall to see if they start talking about me again. If it's not that... I'm quitting this medication.

I'm wondering if it could also be that I had stopped taking the medication for two days as I ran out before I got a new perscription and now that I'm back on them. It's starting me back at Day One again...

More tomorrow.

I didn't feel a need to log the previous half a dozen days as nothing has been happening to me any differently than day three and day four. The pills have their up and down moments, one day they may not work and I don't feel any different, another day they'll work and I feel fine.

I don't think these pills are right for me. They're not exactly anti-depressants so I could really use something that's more suitable for me and will have some better effects on me. I have only one pill left before I see the doctor again on the 2nd of January. I've also recieved an appointment at the clinic with a psychologist for the 12th January, so I'm happy that I'll get to see one very soon instead of being on a waiting list like I was the last time I tried to get help.

I'll update this again after my next doctor appointment.

Today was a major letdown. The pills felt like they didn't work at all and I had resumed my usual bouts of random crying.

There's nothing much more to say about this day.

Oh hells yes, I'm in control of all this now. It's all a piece of piss really, haha.

The only drawback is that after 20 hours of taking my pill, I begin to slip back into my previous depressive state with the random crying and such. It didn't help that I was watching a bit of a sad movie at the time of the comedown, but I had to hold out just another 2 hours before I could take my next dosage.

Things are looking skyward and I'm starting to take advantage of it all because I'm wondering what I'll be perscribed with next after this lot is over with. I've heard too many horror stories about life on anti-depressants but hopefully they won't mess me around too much in finding an AD that is suitable enough for me.

I'm not feeling all that drowsy now on them and I just feel... fine. That's the incredible thing, I've never said that I feel just fine for the longest time. I'm more easily amused and I've lightened up a whole lot in my demeanour that has been my wrath for the past 5 months.

Let's hope this continues.

I think I'm starting to be more in control of it all now. An hour after I took my third pill, I felt all the usual feelings that I did on day one and two. But now it's been around three hours since I took the medication and though I still feel a bit dopey, I feel more mobile and alert than I previously did.

I've got quite a few tasks done already that I haven't touch for months and that makes me feel a little proud of myself. I've got quite a busy day ahead of me and that makes me happy too. I'm more active over the internet now as well, posting at old boards that I used to enjoy posting at and making new friends at these places. I'm listening to music and watching TV series over the internet as well as movies and I think this is great progress for me. I still can't touch any videogames just yet though, I haven't sparked any courage to do that just yet but it's still early days on the medication.

There's also a plus side to being on these pills, I can't drink alchohol and I haven't done for a couple of weeks now and that makes me happy. I have a nice clean room and my cat seems to enjoy the new spaces freed up for him in here. One problem is that the medication hits me at certain times, so I have to be careful with what I'm doing as I don't want to injure myself doing something in a drowsy state.

So the plan is, work along with the medication and take it easy when I start to feel it surging at intervals.

My dreams are definatly more amplified on this stuff, two nightmares so far in total and then a dream that was mediocre just after that one.

I'm still feeling all of the feelings I felt yesterday and I get tired very easily. One thing that bemused me though was that I was mildly hallucinating both visually and audibly.

I was seeing octipus of many colours.

This morning was a little strange as well, I noticed that I began twitching in my lower abdomen a lot with a reoccuring spasm. It passed after 3 minutes or so but I read that this is one of the side effects. I've also got a dry mouth for hours until the pill actually starts wearing off and I feel some mild headaches but they're not too strong. I still slur my words when I'm on them and my movements are quite slow and concentrated apon rather than being my natural motor skills.

So I'm experiencing three common side effects so far and now my second pill is starting to wear off and I'm back to normal me again.

EDIT: I'm starting to feel nauseaous on them too and this is the one side effect that I hate the most.

I'm taking Fluanxol.

I've been given a dosage for two weeks and then I go back to my doctor for a checkup. During those two weeks I should get an appointment with a psychologist.

I took the first pill at 10:30pm last night, after an hour I began to feel the effects straight away. I felt extremely drowsy, my speech became a little slurred and I felt completely spaced. The feeling is nothing like being stoned or drunk but rather... I pictured it more like being tranquilised with a dart.

I had to lay down on the bed and within 20 minutes, I was asleep. I rememer dreaming quite vividly and had a bit of a nightmare to which I woke up from 2 hours later.

I don't know whether to describe the feeling right now as pleasant or unsettling, it's kind of an inbetween feeling. I did have my usual anxieties again but this time they were easily distracted by other random thoughts in my head (completely unrelated to the depressive thoughts) and that felt like a relief for me at least.

Right now I'm a bit shakey and slow-moving, I'm not sure if I like this feeling but I have been thinking of my worries a bit less, as I said they're easier to forget about for a few moments and my mind will shift onto something else. I'm starting to feel quite groggy and lazy and I seem to take a break every few seconds to just stare out into space. This is a problem for me as I've always been a daydreamer but this time, I'm thinking of completely nothing as I'm doing it and this is a bit disturbing to me. I also don't like the heavy feeling I have in breathing, it does feel like it's harder to breathe and it sounds more like I'm sighing then breathing.

I'll take my next pill 16 hours.